i had a good cry tonight.
it was only for two minutes though, but it was one of those solid good crys. It was one of thoese crys i lookfoward too when i'm around other people. When the tears build up in the corners of my eyes. I avoid eye contact, i pretend i have a cold. All i want to do is run away close the door and feel sorry for myself. Have a good cry.
i remember last week thinking. i have it good. I mean i do non-the-less. too bad i'm not selfless and loyal, i realize that people do love me, my mom loves me, i'm not scared, i'm not lonely, i'm not parinoid. I suppose I am i'm a little bit of them all. I'm alright with that. something had to come up sooner or later. it just hurts, thats all.
I found out something that i always knew tonight. I guess hearing it from someone else makes it more painful. Even though its not that painful to start of with, well for some people. I found out a lot of things tonight, things that i never even considered. Over the last year or so, i've been told a lot of hurtful things. I guess growing older i was bound to face this unbearably truth... the thing is tho, that everything was always there. I was just too young to understand. And frankly, i wish i never had to grow up. I loved believing the things that i always knew. Everything was right, Everything was perfect. I feel so dejected. so lost. so unloved. the funny thing about it was, i knew it all along. perhaps i'm overreacting. but i just well. thought that i were it. even though i was. but, i wasn't.
another thing that has been replaying in my mind lately is my father. people have told me that i look just like him. That i am him in every way. I wish i were him. I just can't imagine that i'm this whole other person, someone i've never really met. I mean i've meet him, was held by him. but i honestly dont remember. Who was he? He played the Bass, he was in a band, loved laughing at jokes, had long hair, loved science, was observant, knew a lot about practical things and loved space. Thats all i know really. My aunt told me a story about my father tonight, it was about when he was 17 year and he was at the races with my grandfather. My father thought that my grandfather was standing at the bottom of the bowl by the track. My dad ran down the stairs hugged him and put his head on his shoulder and said. hah "daddy, can you give me some money?" it wasn't my grandfather it was some stranger, apparenlty my aunt and dad used to laugh until they cried when they talked about it. I honestly can't picture my father. let alone his 17 year old self. I just wish i could meet him for like 10 minutes, just to hear his voice. ask him questions. See the person who I am. But i can't, i just have faint images of him shaving his head during his chimo therapy and me running away because i was scared. I just wish i knew who he was. who i am.
sorry. i had to vent.
these are things one never truly gets over.